I just woke up from a dream that I had. The story line of my dream and the ending of the dream has really shaken me up. Basically it was about a student who has a lot of social, academic, and behavioral challenges. In my dream, we as the team, did everything we knew how to do to help him make progress. Then we had a teacher prep day in which the students were only to come for 4 hours of the day and we were to stay another 18 hours and prepare for the next term. (Sounds just like how many of us as teachers really do prep for the next term). With in these 18 hours all the children had been picked up, except for one (I'll call him Tim).
Tim had a teacher, one teacher who totally understood him. This teacher (I'll call her Ann) had just was Tim needed: understanding, patience, and love for who Tim really was. Ann could help Tim, really help him to progress. I would always watch in awe and wonder (and a little jealousy--because I did NOT have this talent or skill) of how she would work with Tim. My heart would break when I would think of how many times I probably would have failed Tim as a teacher because I was just not Ann. Sometimes that really bothered me--my comparison of my weaknesses to Ann's strengths--but I had to let that go and just do my best with the talents and strengths that I had been given and allow for my weaknesses to improve with time and through the efforts of the Lord.
In this dream, Ann was involved in an important meeting and needed all the prep time she could have so that next term would be a success. So, Tim and I spent time together--real time...I saw him laugh. I saw was makes him sad, and I saw what behaviors that he struggles with, and in that struggle, I felt an instant connection and empathy for what his parents face and fear every day for Tim. The Parents fear that one day Tim might just act out on his impulsive behaviors and die. Tim loves climbing, seeking out heights, and then jumping off of them. Ann knows just how to help with this behavior...again, she is amazing.
As the dream continued, Tim and I checked in on the other teachers to see how their prep-day was going. Each teacher was making progress, each teacher was very happy to see us, and each teacher was so willing to give so much time in preparation for all the kids they served, I was just overwhelmed with this feeling of happiness and love. In this feel that I had, I let go of Tim's hand...then I became distracted. I reached back for him...but he was not there...and It just happened so fast. Tim was gone. I raced through the building to find him, raced to try to hold his hand again. The whole time my mind was telling me very destructive thoughts of how weak of a teacher I was, how stupid to let his hand go, how non caring I was and on and on. The feeling of doubt and darkness was so real. I just kept running trying to find Tim. Suddenly as I turned a corner, I did. His body was just lying there crumbled...in a little heap beside a fire ladder that was mounted on the wall.
I ran to his side and threw a blanket around him. He stirred a little, and his eyes opened, but he said nothing. I picked him up and ran with all the strength I had left to get to the office to call for help. In my run clutching Tim, I just prayed that he would not die, not until I was able to receive help...I was begging for forgiveness for letting go of his hand. I was trying to find comfort. I was praying that Ann would be out of her meeting to help. Ann can help everyone...even now...even with Tim. I ran and ran...but I ran out of time. Tim's little body went limp...his last breath just left. He looked so peaceful...I just crumpled in the hall holding him and asking for forgiveness...and suddenly I saw Ann.
She ran over she tried all that she could do to help him, but it was too late. Tim was gone. Ann just looked at me, deep into my eyes...she was so hurt. She was so shocked...and I had nothing to say. My heart just began to break because this was my fault. I promised to help him. I promised to not let go of his hand. I promised and promised...but I let go of his hand. The fact is, I did. I became distracted for just a second, and I let go...
I woke up with such a feeling of worthlessness...the feelings in this dream were too much, too powerful, and I had no resolve from the dream.
When dreams like this happen, it forces me to really think. It forces me to really look at and try to figure out what are my deep fears. For this dream, I fear that I will disappoint others, let others down, I not as good as others...and in the end, not be able to be forgiven for what I let them down in. It is a dark feeling...so dark.
Times when you try your best, but because of lack of time, choices of others, and priorities, weaknesses are exposed. When they are, an examination of the faults and weaknesses must take place. In the scripture is says, " And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
In my examination of my weakness, I can find things to improve upon, but I can't improve upon them with out the Lord's strength, with out His help, and without His Atonement. That is the part about being humble. Really accepting the Lord's correction so that improvements can be made. While accepting these improvements, GROWTH happens...in that growth it causes a lot of pain. Why? Because it is HARD to change. It is hard to give up habits of weakness like running from problems instead of facing them. It's hard to have a conversation with someone who you are fearful of and tell them that they are wrong. It's hard to look back on events and see where I was in the wrong, admit that wrong, and ask for forgiveness because of that.
Being in a semi leadership position has brought a whole new perspective of looking at more and more of my weaknesses. I see clearly how much I have to learn, how much I have to grow, and how much I have to do to overcome with these weaknesses. I know that the Lord can give me the strength to do this, however, my biggest weakness is allowing for that painful stage of growth to happen. Learning the new skill...not thinking I have any more time, energy or aptitude to learn it are really my weaknesses. It takes me so much more effort to learn, to read, to study, and then to take that knowledge and apply it. It seems like for others, study, reading, thinking through the problems to find solutions without JUDGING others--they are just so good at it. I just stare in wonder at how they just seem to do it. I've learned a lot in leadership: to not just jump in and do something just to do something, but to take time to think, take time to listen...but even then I fail...because I just want to have a solution that sometimes the 3rd choice is what I go with verses the best choice because living in the "unresolved" is too hard. Those are my weak points. They nearly paralyze me with fear, but because I know the Lord is with me, I do it. I hate the growing pains of it. I hate the failures that come with it...but in the end the growth and progression are worth it.
One day, one step, one fall, and one recovery at a time...this has been a perspective of my growth.
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