Down...

Okay.  I'm not Wonder Woman.  I know that.  I've known it for a long time.  I work hard at all that I do because I want my Heavenly Father to be happy with me.  I guess that it makes me look like I can do anything.  No, it just means that things will get done...maybe not in the best way, or the right way, but it gets done.  Earthly life...bills, grocery shopping, work, work, stop the fighting, bills, schedule to make sure that everyone gets to where they need to do, love the kids, love Scott, love the family, Church callings, email parents, share behavior tips, teach, Church, study, FB, read to kids, journal, writing, keep data, learn some ASL, stop the fighting, deal with more tired cries, try to hug everyone and let them know they are loved, blog, short order cook, make sure that Kellis has this needs met, Garrett has wood/paper/crayons to create, jump with Isaac, hug Virginia, nurse Marianne,  sleep--at least a little bit, play, do all that I can to fill the home with the spirit...that is life

Now that is a life that is filled with energy, but my heart is breaking over one.  My little Margaret.  Margaret Susanna...she has been my trial, my heartache, and  for a while...my child that I'm struggling with.  There are things that I know that she has been through that no other child should have to endure.  She was neglected and abused...so we left.  That is good, but...but as like all of us, she is searching to find out who loves her.

I'm in turmoil over it.  She hurts her sister, she cries, she needs so much love...and all that we do for her she just takes and takes...she needs so much to fill the void that rests in her heart.  It is the worst pain.  When I think about how she was neglected, abused, and then abandoned I can get a glimpse of the pain that she is in.  But her cry for help is very difficult to bare.

It comes in shouts, screams, and endless crying.  It also comes as she pinches, hits, and has to control all that is around her.  Her play is very demanding.  She orders her "friends" around.  She needs to find a constant control of each situation.  And when she gets an idea in her head, it is difficult to let go.  The drive to win it through badgering, nagging, crying, whining, and screaming sometimes just breaks us all.  The peace in the home is gone when these episodes happen.  Half of me needs to embrace her, but I can't reward the negative behavior...can you see my pain and conflict?

I do all that I can to find her doing good, being happy, and then jumping in and hugging her, telling her she is loved, how proud I am of her, anything positive...somehow trying to fill the void that is in her little heart.  I'm not enough, Scott is not enough, not even Grandma and Grandpa are enough...and on Saturday it all came to a blow.  We were worn.  We could not take another demand, another tantrum...nothing. 

I cried and cried...it was as if I was grieving for her.  My minds eye saw a bleak and horrible future for her.  My biggest fear is that when she is a teenager she will just find any boy to fill the void in her heart and allow him to do everything to her.  I'm so afraid and fearful of this...and that is a breaking point for me. 

I want peace in the home.  I want love to be spoken, the spirit felt, and I want Margaret Susanna to know who she is.  I want her to feel love.  I want her to feel safe.  I want her to know that we (the whole family) is praying for her.  I want her to know that she is important.  I want her to know that she is a Daughter of God.  She has Divine potential.  Scott and I are trying as parents to teach her that.  Give her an anchor, give her the Rock to stand on.  But she is sometimes so difficult to reach.  She seems to just go backwards: demanding, wanting material things, and needing total control to understand the situation. 

Can we ever reach her?  Will she be alright?  Will we be able to help her understand who she is?  She is my little Maggie-Sue.  My beautiful little girl.  She has endured much in her little life.  She can make it, if she will allow us to help her.  My desire in writing this...is that I can read it over and over and remember that she is that Daughter of God.  She is precious.  She is worth it...she is worth loving...aren't we all? 

I'm praying for strength...I'm praying with faith--only as big as a mustard seed right now because that is all I have--just a hope, a desire...I'm praying that it will turn to a stronger faith.  So, it is my pleading that anyone out there who reads this can  help Scott and I to understand how to best help her.  Prayers...Answers...and time...that is what we will do, we pray that a solution will happen as well. 

Anyway...that is the down...I know myself, it won't last long...I'm too busy to allow that.  So, thanks for reading...