Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Love of Children

Hiking in Ogden along the foothill trail.  Isaac jumping the creek, Kellis showing how it is done, Garrett checking for trolls, Margraet wishing she could swim, and Virginia doing the these kids!  They all went on the hike for my Birthday present.
Children, especially mine, have given me a perspective of love that I would have never understood or grown to accept, or love without the experiences that I've been blessed to witness.  I think what blows my mind the most is how forgiving my children are to all of my mistakes.  They are willing to forgive my yelling, my rolling eyes, my "pecking or hounding" of "pick up this, clean up that, did you get your homework finished, we will do it and you will be the one to finish it...". 

They are even willing to forgive my anger and my frustration.   Even children you are neglected, abused, and verbally put down...they still love...and try deeply to keep loving those who hurt them. Why are they so willing to do that?  Why are the able to do so?  Are they just born with it, or do they just desire to be loved that they will over look all the follies?  It really amazes me.  I watch adults who, if they have the slightest grievance against them, they will hold the grudge for decades.  Why not the children then--why don't they hold onto the same grudge?  What makes them so different? 

I can answer it, "be humble like a child." But, why doesn't that always stick in my heart and mind?  All I know is that I am so humbled, feel a little guilty, and mostly awed when (even after I've yelled or been upset or frustrated) Margaret will hug me at night and say, "you are the BEST mommy ever!  I just blink, sigh, feel a little panged, and hug her back hoping that hug will express my acceptance of her love and willingness to forgive.  I hope to learn this pattern more and more with my students, the adults I work with, and own children.  If there is one thing that I learning from this is that I'm going to live to be 110 so that I have enough time to learn it.  One step at a time right? step at a time... :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Great Aunt Insight to more of Who I am

Saturday was my great Aunt's funeral.  She was 106 years old.  Born in 1904, she saw the Wright borthers' first flight, the sinking of the Titanic, was a teenager in WWI, a voting judge for 50 years, a hard worker, an incredible seamstress, and she had a quick whit, poetic journal entries, a love for story telling, making friends, making a point to always "do" something, take time for others, gather every kind of "Ben Franklin saying" and use it all the time, be positive and relax, love and live life to the fullest, and keep your faith till the day you pass.

As I was sitting there listening to the children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren recount their memories about Afton, I was taught something important: I gained a sense that maybe my family roots are a little broader then I first understood.  I knew that I gained by tenacity from my Grandmother--Grammy Annis.  She had the "never give up; pull yourself up by the boot-straps; scream at the birds; put your emotions into your hard work and then you won't go crazy" type of attitude.  She also had hands that were well worn from hard work, knotted and swollen from arthritis, and could still grow anything, make a pie in less then 5 mins, and had some stories to tell about the farm.  I thought that that was the most of it...what I had gathered from the Brown side. 

But as I was listening I discovered that some of the other traits that I have come from Afton as well.  I was able to gather a balance of myself, and why I feel the way I do, have to optimistic view on life, and why I love story telling/writing/reflection.  It was helpful to understand.  It was like another puzzle piece was put into place in my portrait of life.  I am grateful for that insight because I can now draw on more of who I am more and more.  These are the moments that fill your soul and give you an insight that is life changing.  The discovery of who I am is not complete...that is the fun of learning new things all the time.  My prayer is that I remain flexible in my learning and allow life (the trials, the joys, the magical discoveries that are sometimes hidden under a rock) to shape me into the person that my Heavenly Father knows that I can become.  Just wanted to share.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Swing

Well, pregnancy hormones and emotional swings are interesting to understand and "survive".  Friday I could feel a "swing" coming on, and to top it off, I was also fighting a cold.  That is a combination that Satan loves to play with.  I was able to dig up every terrible thing, bad feeling, wrong, jerky moment of my life and replay all the "yuck" that accompanies it.  And, of course to top it off, I had a few "Murphy's Law" moments like getting a ticket, and watching the food prices jump another notch and see the fighting of the kids just be the "cheery" on top....sigh.  (can you all feel it?)

So, my heart desires to be that mother to many, fix the perfect dinner for my mom, sisters, and mother-in-law and have flowers everywhere for Mother's day.  Well, my cold got the better of me and baby told me to stay down and so...down I went.  Hubby folded laundry, children were quiet, I did my sewing projects for Christmas...yes I said it...this year is a homemade one, and I just sat.  I cried, I prayed, I thought, I pondered, and then the emotional wave was over.  I slept, I was refreshed, and I was back to my old self.  In these deep moments of emotional upside-down-ness...I have a stable and sound voice.  It is of my sweet Hubby.  He let's me cry, say all the terrible things about myself, gives me the hug, and then just smiles.  He says that he never has seen all the "bad" and he knows that my heart is good, my life is good, and that it is just a low day.  He is right.  He allows the pity party to happen and then he sees the rebound and just smiles and laughs.  After my funks, I look back and smile and laugh as well.  Silly...oh well, there they are...the SWINGS of Motherhood, pregnancy, and Murphy's law.  We all survive it and when you can look back with an honest reflection then you can grow from it.  Good times.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Finding blessings

There are moments in my life that when I look at all that I have (both positive and things that I can't seem to see the silver lining in), I am astonished at what I am blessed with.  Today I was needing to explain to my children what some of these blessing are: mainly them--all 7 of them. 

When I served my mission I had a very real understanding about my 5 children and what they would look like, who they were, and just a feeling of love!  I knew that I was going to have a family of that size.  Then while pregnant with Margaret I had a dream about a little girl...she was about 9 months old, and she was just beautiful.  This little girl was no one I felt I knew.  She was not one of the "five".  So I just thought that it was something for me to think about...and see when this little one was going to get here.

Following Margaret, Virginia was born and during that stay at the hospital I was awakened with a dream about a little boy...again this little boy was no one that I "knew". It took my breath away because I knew what my current situation was like at that time there was just no way that this was going to be possible.  I remember praying and feeling complete comfort...I thought, ok, it is in the Hands of the Lord.

Once Marianne was born, I knew that she was that little girl who I had seen while pregnant with Margaret.  My heart was just full!  I knew it!  My heart just was overjoyed!  So, when we found out that this one was a boy, my heart was just filled with comfort...I think this might be the little boy that I saw when I had Virginia...we will see...count the blessings...they are everywhere!  Look, ponder, and you will find the answers....  And if I can say just one more thing, Trust in the Lord.  He really does know the beginning to the end.  He knows what we need.  He knows how to bless us.  With God NOTHING is impossible....I have so many witnesses of this that I have to testify of it.  I just needed to share!