well, I know that things will be ok. But right now I have to just let out the emotion. So bear with me.
1. I have not mentally prepared for this baby because I can't face the fact that he might be my last. I'm not sure how to deal with it or face it. Tears and crying over this for far to long....just don't want to disappoint the Lord...can't feel that or see that this is the last one, so I'm a little nutty. I know, I know...patience, faith...but the emotion is over powering right now.

2. Since I've been denying that this one is coming (I want him, but there is so much to do that I just feel like I HAVE to get as much done as possible to have the house keep running, the job keep running, and the hard kids to do what we need to do, and blah). Anyway I can only think about the 16th. That is the due date and that is all that I can think about. I have only 2 weeks to finish up all the projects, and I can do it within that time frame, but I just want to be calm and ready for the baby so that I'm not frantic. (I know it takes faith, but again, I just need to be human and cry and "freak out" for a little bit--do I have the allwance to do that?)

3. Now this is a hard one that I've been blindsided by: my para just gave her two weeks notice on Friday...ouch...she is the best one that I've ever had, but I'm proud of her for standing up for her family first. Her family is suffering with her working so far away from home, and she is divorced, and she is going to school full time--sounds like more then half of the people at Spectrum. BUT...I'm freaking out on how to train a new para, get things ready to where they need to be, and so forth with the demands of Spectrum.

4. I've been off line for 8 days of work and can't enter in my compass grades, up date the IEP data sheets with the juggling of kids, keep track of data, and then there are the 6 kids that are in my classroom that have BIPS: 4 are violent, and the other two are very vocally disruptive. We are working on things and we have meetings after school with the parents (they are looking for a miracle--hope I can help, but we all know that school is just a part of the whole picture).

5. I'm also trying to learn ASL and I have to travel to Ogden to learn it because the changed the parent infant program from in home services to out source. (nice...now I'm away more from my family then ever, but we have to learn and she is just flying with the language...I'm trying to keep it all into perspective right now, but I'm struggling).

6. Let's turn back to the family...my mom had a cardiac episode last week. It was life and death on Tuesday so I took a day off (but that was one of the 8...) I'm so glad that we did and that she pulled through but now she can't work anymore, will have oxygen for the rest of her life, my dad has to go on the road by himself until he gets the local driving job (my mom's depression is in full swing and we are all trying to help her work through this). It mostly is the loss of the income that has added to this stress.

7. I was just informed by SSI (Garrett's disability) that he will no longer recieve his money and that is an income loss of $670 a month (or the equivilant of a part time job). Hum....great timing with me going to go on Materinty non paid leave. Merry Christmas. Scott and I have done everything that we can budget wise to save up for it but right now I only have enough for one paycheck. (I know---exercise more faith--but again until I have my temper tantrum then I can't focus on it).

8. Mom nearly needed to back in to the hospital for a bit on Sat.  Why?  Dr. Marianne turned down the oxygen on her and for two hours she was nearly 2 liters below where she should be. And then I went last night into false labor and uggggg....that through me for a loop because there would have been no one there for tuesday. SCREAM!!!

9. I just want to go to the temple, pray, ponder, and be be calm for the events that are stacking up on us. I'm asking for help, I'm working on trying to get things organized, I'm leaning on who I can for help at Spectrum, but it just seems to be coming in a tsunami crash.

10. Financially, emotionally, near death and life experiences, new life coming, dodging hits, chairs, and CPI holds from many of the students, training a new teacher in a week, finacially not ready, no Christmas for the kids, asking now for food help, ya know...I'm a little undone. So, does anyone have a power of peace to spread on this little one so that I can 1) cry, emotionally get it all out, 2) then look and ponder and make a plan, 3) keep up with all the demands, 4) find a pot of gold to help out with $, and 5) make sure that my family knows I love them all?
Now let me just say that Scott has done everything that he can, and he has been wonderful. He is my biggest supporter. I feel that things will just work out the way that the Lord needs it to, if I follow more faithfully, but right now, I just need to be emotional. sigh.....................I know I'll read this and think that I'm a looney! Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for not fixing anything (yet--I have to get it all out first) and then I'll be ready to so and work.

I guess this is one of those moments where I have to allow the "rescuers" come in and carry me across the ice filled sweetwater river and keep pushing me on to the valley. Thanks for bearing through it with me.