Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Humanity...It can cause growing pains

Today I experienced a piece of humanity that welcomed change, reflection, and forced myself to answer questions.  Thanks _____  for the conversation today...I've been chewing on it all night...It was helpful.

 If any of you know me, I am, in a word, enthusiastic.  My enthusiasm for life spills over onto many of my daily adventures and it can sometimes cause a mess.  I can come across sharp, overwhelming, angry, or tooooo excited.  When those moments happen I find myself (as I'm trying to pick up the pieces) pondering on how I can learn from what just happened. 

Apparently I have influence beyond that of which I thought--many who I didn't even know read my blogs and measure me by it.  I guess that is the risk, and it is there.  So, to some I desire to say I'm sorry--for the offense, emotions, and enthusiasm that was too much.  To others I hope that they can feel my real intention through my enthusiasm.  These are the parts of "me" that are raw and sometimes show on my sleeve.  I hate some of my emotional responses to things, but alas...yes I too am FAR from being always professional, political, or perfect.  Can these mistakes ever be forgiven?

I'm not a PC gal.  My family isn't, but truly there ISN'T malice involved, it is just raw emotion.  I'm not confrontational, but there are times when things from the past build and build that a sudden event like funding being taken away from children can just throw me over the edge. I try to be a voice and be loud but I don't mean to overstep my boundaries (like representing any institution).  I just want to my voice as a mother to be heard...and that I'm not an idiot.  I sometimes feel like listing my education, all my accreditation, and short of sending the resume, that finally someone will take me seriously and not like a dumb uninformed mother.

So, my question is, when can some of us be human---mothers who will fight for their children's rights to education, love, and justice--and / or when is it time to just take a deep breath and scream into a pillow?  To my credit I feel that I have LEARNED a great deal in this arena (thanks to my work, my master's program, and to church for teaching me) and try to take that scream into the pillow before I get all hot under the collar and write an email or post a FB that others will examine and have to give a reporting of "Angry April"  (I say that with a smile on my face because of a prior conversation...it seems so funny that I have a name like that---it is kind of endearing of my whole problem).

Hum that triggered a thought, maybe I should have a mirror around just to see my face at all times...just to make sure that I'm taking a breath, screaming into the pillow, or just brushing things off so that we can all move forward.  I would like to be known as enthusiastic April, or energy April, things like that.

Okay, what has this accomplished?  Well, it is a vent, it is a time of reflection, and I guess a little emotional....after all...lucky 7 is coming in September and well some of the enthusiasm is spilling over and getting messy again.  My asking would be, that as a person who is still learning, I pray that allowances for room to improve and to ask for forgiveness as I make mistakes that those mercies can be granted to me.  I'm hoping to extend the same to all I know...I have a lot of work to do....:)  Thankfully there's the blessing of time.

3 comments:

heidiram said...

I think you are AWESOME APRIL. And the whole face thing? I think it comes from Grandma Annis. My mom has the "scowl" . . . and very very unintentionally I get it too. I have people ask me all the time why am I mad . . . or why do I have the "mad face". When in reality . . . I am just thinking . . . . deep deep thinking. Not mad. Not sad. Just thinking.

Kyndra said...

You vent whenever you like my dear. It always better to let things out then keep them in. I love reading your posts on here and FB. :) Keep up with the enthusiasm!

AnnEE said...

April,

You are seriously one of the kindest, most selfless, wonderful people I have ever met, and you needn't make apologies for anything! The funding issue is something that you are so PASSIONATE about, and something that is close to your heart, so, by all means, share your feelings! Love you, cuz!