Times of Trials

I want to start out by saying thank you to everyone who reads our blog. I also want my readers to know that what we share here on the blog are from our hearts. Sometimes when writing, we bare of souls, share our thoughts, bring up humorous items, and then wait for responses. Some of you share, some of you simply read, and some might form opinions of what has been said. With that statement all in preparation, I have something to share.

Sometimes life is filled to the very brim with everything anyone can want: an eternal family, children, good living arrangements, happy vacations, great accomplishments, small family moments that are so precious... That is what life is like for us again. My heart thanks my Heavenly Father everyday for Scott's entrance into our family. His temple worthiness, his love for the children, and his love for me are shown daily. And my gratitude is overflowing with emotion and love for it.

Even with all the good, some parts of life still happens: 1) children get sick, 2) medical bills can be a challenge, 3) parents get sick, 4) other medical bills challenge us, 5) being taken back to court by my ex husband to fight for unsupervised rights to the children, 6) lawyer bills, 7) a car accident and paying to fix the car, 8) a daughter with two severe dental needs, 9) holding her at the dentist and trying to calm and comfort her while they fix the infection...holding her and watching her eyes get so anxious, it is heart breaking, 10) watching another Son have other dental issues along with great anxiety, and finally 11) watching all your savings (which is why you saved it) go to all these emergencies. It can be a bit overwhelming. And as the old saying goes, "that's life."

What are we to learn from all of the good and the mixture of challenges? That Heavenly Father only loves some of us some of the time? No...that Heavenly Father promised us that it (life and all the experiences) would be a testing and proving ground. What does it test and prove us for? It tests and proves us to see if we will move towards our Heavenly Father out of love despite all that is challenging us. It is deeper than mere obedience. It is fuller than just following along; it is to show my devotion and my willingness to follow what Heavenly Father has asked of me. My heavenly Father has asked me to "come...follow him." My response is this, "I will follow you in faith, believing, never doubting, and having a heart of repentance for those human moments that catch all of us." It is a simple response, but that does not make it easy.

I like to talk for a moment about today's court trial. There is a scripture in Alma 34:14-17 that gave my soul comfort last night. It merely states, "This is the whole meaning of the law, every whit pointing to that great and last sacrifice; and that great and last sacrifice will be the Son of God, yea, infinite and eternal...He shall bring salvation to all those who shall believe on his name...to bring about the bowels of mercy, which over powereth justice, and bringeth about means unto men that they may have faith unto repentance. An thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice and encircles them in the arms of safety..." My heart broke for my former husband today. I understand his plea to want to see the children, but it takes more than just a trip to the farm to have the children understand. It takes fathering, loving, teaching, giving, and unselfish love.

I am not a vindictive or hateful woman. I am however a mother of 5 precious children and I will fight for their mental safety and health. While I was married to my first husband, we together made plans: plans for children, plans for houses, plans for the business, and plans for our life. But as in all parts of life, choice is a part of everything. I chose to follow my temple recommend, and my former husband did not. He chose alcohol, drugs, pornography, and ultimately adultery. I chose to stay for another 6 years trying to help, pleading, hoping, and praying. I did what I could. I wanted that happy life! I wanted all of this to go away. I wanted my former spouse to repent and move back towards all of us. I wanted things to be for the good of the family, but that was not to be. I did what I could; I was not perfect at it, but I exercised all of my strength in holding our crazy life together. But ultimately for the mental and physical health of the children we were guided to leave...For this I am judged by people around me.

All I know is that judgement is held for our Heavenly Father to do and for the bowls of Mercy to be extended from our Savior. I will follow what is needed for our children to stay strong in the gospel, to help them grow and foster testimony, and to support and love them with all the energies of my soul.

To see how our children can socially communicate, help each other, help others, create gifts, think of others in the family, love one another, think beyond themselves, and have success in church, school, and in the family is the calling that Scott and I have. It doesn't always make the melt downs, and the anxiety of a scary nightmare just go away. Things have to be worked at. We all learn from each other. We learn about them. Scott and I get to see who these precious children really are. It is a privilege to do so. This is parenting, and this is what our children need: a listening ear, help, devotion, humor, observation, guidance, discipline, understanding, and love...love that comes from Heavenly Father.

I know that my former husband's parents want to have a relationship with the children. I know that I have been the topic of much discussion to why this is not happening. But here is my understanding from much prayer, time will tell on this. That is the only answer that I have been given. I do not know what more this means. I only know that much. To have connections with a family for so long and then to not, it is strange. But I am only following what I know is from Heavenly Father. Again I'm sure that many will debate me on this. But I will not debate my Heavenly Father's answer to me.

At this season of the year when families will gather together to share meals, family traditions, activities, and so forth, it is difficult. I want you all to know that leaving right after Thanksgiving 2006 was very difficult. I didn't know how the holidays were going to work. I didn't know much other than life in the very hour...but Heavenly Father did. He sheltered, feed, nourished, and guided this little family. Following prayers in 2008 it was revealed to me that our family needed Scott. I didn't argue, I simply followed. Please to everyone out there, please have patience. That is all that I know. Answers come. I thank you all for your time in reading this...it is a trial of the heart.