Friends; a Convestion, so help..I'm learning...

Friends, something that I am learning to have, to keep, to invest in. I’m used to not keeping track of very many. I’m used to just losing them. I think that I'm too much of a burden to them and so I leave rather than invest in their time. I’m used to coming in as a flash of light, a survivor, learn what I can and then leave…the risk is then not made on my end. I have not truly invested.

What kind of a friend is that? A great friend came to me on Friday and impacted me with a conversation. The words she spoke where all true. She had told me that if I didn’t start investing more in the friendship, she was going to have to put her energies somewhere else. She also explained that she is not as efficient in letting her needs known to people and so she explained that I might not have known what her needs are. I listened as the Spirit confirmed the truth of her words. She was speaking in the moment and was overwhelmed, embarrassed, and hurt but my NON-actions. (Within myself I had the intent to go and to talk to her about her trip, but didn’t know if she had the time to explain it, or how to honestly approach her without coming over as rude or “out of the blue” if you understand what I mean).

When I got to her room to say hello, I just thought of myself and asked her to help me coach my way to a better place in Spectrum. Not good. I thought that my having a conversation with her about anything I was keeping the friendship. Not true. By having a one sided conversation I spent more of her investments, banked them in my account and came away feeling uplifted, but I had deflated her...again another DUH moment. Working on it!

I knew that I had been in the wrong. I knew that I lost myself in myself…the wedding, dating, my life, me, me…do we see a trend? I couldn’t see what guards I had put up and rude things (out of ignorance and shallowness) l had done, but I have to say this, I felt them even if I couldn’t accurately identify what I had done wrong.

I have two friends that I have qualified and allowed into my inner circle. It takes a lot for me to do that. But when I get together with either of them, all I talk about is myself, my issues, me. I can feel the prompting of the Holy Ghost telling me that I need to go and talk to them, and then I’m there trying to say hello, and then I just start to fumble. All I feel is an awkwardness of nothing to talk about—so it just feels like I get to have a start up conversation and then nothing.

It has become apparent that my Memory files of these two friends are very shallow. I have categorized them into the “weather talk” section. This is not okay. We’ve known about each other for over 2 years and this is as much as I know about them? That is not acceptable to me. Why am I afraid to invest? Risk of hurt…well that is not an acceptable excuse anymore. If I want to live this beautiful life that Heavenly Father has given me, then I need to take the risk, feel the pain, feel the joy, feel the everyday of it, and then look at the richness that they have contributed to my life…Risk April! It is worth it.

What is most unpleasant and difficult to swallow is knowing that they feel and know it too, but are just too nice to say anything (except for the one friend…she finally told me). So now I have a choice to make: start investing without my second friend knowing that I am doing this directly, or say it directly and still invest. Since my first friend has already told me that I need to invest…she already knows the drill, so I’ll invest with my second friend and see the changes despite the knowledge. This will be an interesting experiment. One I hope to have deeper memory files and experience with. I love my friends...now I have to risk and invest in that love.